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RSS FeedPro-Sex, Anti-Sexualization, That’s Me.
You learn more about a book you’ve written–and what you think about a subject–after it comes out. Once you’re on the road and talking about it and seeing what resonates with people. It clarifies your ideas outside of your own head. One of the things I talk about a lot these days is being anti-sexualization of little girls, but pro-sex. That, in fact, being anti-sexualization IS being pro-sex because premature sexualization (which is beautifully defined by the American Psychological Association) UNDERMINES healthy sexual development and is, I’m convinced, part of the reason we see girls making poor choices, acting against their own self-interest, defining their sexuality, femininity and worth as a woman based on how they appear to guys. The reason sexuality becomes a performance rather than felt experience. The reason they learn they are supposed to be desireable, but not understand their own desire. And I also believe that has implications far beyond the bedroom. So I was really thrilled that Koa Beck of highlighted that aspect of the NYC panel I was part of in this post on mommyish.com. We talk a lot about our concerns and hopes for girls in the academic and professional realm, and we talk freely about body image issues, but this conversation is still too often under wraps.
I recently initiated a pro-sex, not just the basics, conversation with an 18-year-old; she’s getting married this summer and the couple has waited to have sex for religious reasons. I bring this up in this context because it was unbelievably hard to start this talk! I just wanted to make sure that at least one person in her life told her that sex should be FUN and to give her some suggestions about what to do if/when something happens that is not fun during/around sex. But the whole pro-sex conversation is SO under wraps that it was hard to talk about even when I was talking about sex within marriage! I was pretty shocked at how squirmy I felt talking about sex with a young woman I know, love and try to set an example for. We had that conversation–I was very determined–and it got so much easier after a little bit.
I’ve done that too, Anne-Marie–had conversation with friends’ kids or with my nieces. Squirmy! But so important!
Talked to their moms, first, of course. We are like-minded, though sometimes it’s hard to hear those ideas from your mom.
I am starting to have these conversations with my 8 yr old son. The other day I was bemoaning the fact that the female characters on all those anime shows wear such short skirts. He was curious about why that bothered me. And I couldn’t really locate the words exactly. I could only frame it in relation to the guys and say, “Well you don’t see the guy characters walking around with no shirt on.” But now I wonder…maybe it’s good. Maybe seeing young female characters who look good in short skirts but don’t go around “acting” sexy is actually good. They’re often smart and involved in the same activities as the guys. They just ARE sexy…it doesn’t define them. I don’t know. I’d still feel better if they could wear jeans.
thats because some of the boy characters look feminine
it is also another culture. I can assume. I don’t study Japan but they don’t think like Americans.
if you want one where little girls don’t wear mini skirts, let him watch Black Butler.
I actually DO study Japan and wouldn’t quite put it that way, but more on that another time.
I love that you clarified that and put it together with the link. I feel the same way. I do think many people make the mistake of thinking being outspoken against premature sexualization means that you think negatively about sex. The two are not related. However, if you lack understanding about what premature sexualization actually is, you may make that mistake.
Thanks Peggy.
Katie
What a fabulous post Peggy! I try and bring this link in whenever I talk with teens about sex. You have written it and summarized it so well!
[...] it’s not the same, and let me paraphrase Peggy Orenstein, the author of Cinderella Ate My Daughter, to explain why. Expressing sexuality is not the same as [...]